Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Old post.

the idea of always being able to find comfort in someone is amazing. i don’t know. i’d be honoured if anyone ever told me that i’m the reason they’re still alive, that i’m their whole comfort zone, and that they need me in their life.

sometimes i wonder if i was really loved, because i never get these told to me, and i know that they’re just words, but words guarantee. and i wasn’t getting any assurance.

i don’t know. i just want to be told these things for me to believe in it.


I don't know. I kind of miss you, hope.

Lol Anis what are you doing, get it together.

Jeremy mentioned how silly we are, being so eager to fall in love, not knowing how much it would hurt to fall.

I just want to feel that again.

Okay nevermind, SPM now.

Monday, February 8, 2010

What is my life.

Can someone please pause the time or something hello I'm losing it.

Faggotry. Time. Faggotry. Complete faggotry.

No wait, work is. Work is complete faggotry.

One huge ball of a motherfuck of a faggot.

I am not even making much sense oh my god save me.

Daily dose of "Fuck this", daily dose of a break down, daily dose of "CAN I HAVE A BOYFRIEND TO COMFORT ME PLEASE", etc.

Again I say, I am thankful to be able to feel responsible and stuff but it would be lovely if I had someone to comfort me at times when I am completely dried out and I just need someone to call home, you know?

Oh my God future love why are you doing this to me.

Love you though love you heaps and heaps and heaps and I will make you happy and you will be happy with me and everything will be lovely, lovely!

I love you heaps, Future Love. Give me comfort okay I need it. Love you, take care, don't die.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Psychology.


It's lovely to get to find out why people do the things they do, and why people act they way they act after going through certain phases or situations. And why people give response like they do, and why people say what they say, and why we're all the same and we can think the same but we don't. And how much opinions matter, and what we live up to.

I admit I'd like to get to know myself so much better, to know the answers to the above, of myself. I'd like to have better control over myself.

I'd like to no longer be afraid of myself.



Sometimes I feel that I need you, but then I would verbally beat the shit out of myself for thinking that. Sometimes I'm not sure how I feel and I'm pretty sure it is because of what happened between us, but I hate and am disgusted that I let myself feel this way. Disoriented and lost as fuck.

Fuck you, fuck "us", fuck all.

Some day I will get the answers and I will be far better.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Flashbacks.

Kita bersama, ketawa berdua, gembira,
dan bila ku terjaga ku sedar
bahawa kau tiada di sisi.
Dan semua yang indah bertukar jadi sunyi sepi.



My juniors are currently pretty upset about their friends leaving for boarding school. This reminds me of last year when I went to Abu Dhabi to visit Daddy, only to come back to the news of Syah leaving me. I was pretty much devastated. I don't know, I guess I've always been clingy. Maybe you're right then, Syah.

But then again I've always loved with all my heart. And my ex was my first love, and I gave in everything with that. He was like my air, and when parted, it felt like I was lacking air. Gets hard for me to breathe. You get the idea.

Then my good friend Zaty asked me to listen to this song by The Manchis, called Nanti. And the above is part of the lyrics of the song, and on that afternoon I cried like I never had before. Then everything was better, but then things gradually got worse. And now here I am, sitting here reliving these moments because my juniors are living them, alone relationship-wise, while my first love has found another love.

And the lyrics are still in my phone, in my Sent Messages folder, sent to Syah on 9th February 2009 at 13:44.



You know, I'd really like to believe that I am strong.


P/S: "I breathed in everything around me: the sea grass, the minty blue sky, the beach, the roaring ocean. But mostly I breathed in Matthew Harrison you, held him there, and never wanted to exhale."


P/P/S: Good luck juniors. I know exactly how you feel.

Monday, February 1, 2010

I'm not sorry.


I’m not sorry I met you.
I’m not sorry it’s over.
I’m not sorry there’s nothing to save.