LOLZ

I MEAN WAT
I'M TTLY HAPPY LIKEEEEE

DUh
LULZ YOU FAKAS

No.

I can't get through the holiday.

Today was alright. And I felt fine. I watched movies, I danced, I laughed, I sang. And I even managed to write about how I felt and not get upset.

And at night I just completely lose it again.

I can't keep losing myself everyday. What will become of me?

A fucking mess. Worse mess than I am right now.

Fuck, look at me. I even sound like a 13-year-old whining about things that don't exist. Fuck you, my feelings do exist. I just can't seem to show them when I'm around people.

I can't get through the holiday like this.

I know what you would say. That it's only Day 1 and I can try again.

I'm fucking sick and tired of "trying again", alone. Okay?

I won't say I'm done. If I was, I would've been dead right now, I wouldn't be typing this, I wouldn't be feeling a thing. I'm not done. I'm just really, really tired and I cannot handle this.

I wish we could switch lives. How about that? You be me and I be you. Feel what I feel and I feel what you feel. I can laugh and I'd still be okay at night. And you? You would just feel like cutting your skin open every single night.

Feel that for a change. Fuck it.

Relive.

This made me cry.

Just everything about it.

The song, Stolen. The proposal.

The, "it should've been me."

Fuck it.

bear ♥

aren’t you proud of me? i haven’t cut myself. 3 months after the break up and i still haven’t cut myself, and i told you i promised not to cut myself for your sake. because you said you wanted children whose mother doesn’t have scars all over her wrists because your children would want to hold her hands. you told me you wanted children whose mother can control herself so that your children would know love from a mother.

because you said you want to be able to hold my hands and know that you’re not hurting me.

i did this for you and i still am.

it’s hard, but it’s still on.

see?

i felt the need to write this here. it is possible that this is the last meaningful post i'm writing to "bear" that will be posted here. others will be posted elsewhere or just in a special folder which i am going to bury after i'm done with it.

i love you. i love you so much, and i know that this is what you want. i know that you're happy with your life because that is what you want. i know that i should get over this, get over you, but i told you that it will not be easy for me. i told you that i would take months, possibly years. because every single thing i said to you, i meant with my whole heart. every single i love yous, every "forever", every "til death", every "then, now and forever". everything. simply everything. every promise, every sweet remarks. everything. i meant it, i meant it all, and i meant it with my whole heart. i don't know about you, but i meant it. every single thing.

& i hope we don't meet anymore. ever. i can't look at you. i can't look at any part of you. i can't even hold pictures of you. i just can't see you anymore, and i know you're fine with this.

i love you, and i know you're alright. i hope things get better from now, for you. just better and nothing less. i love you and i hope for the best for you. take good care of yourself.

and don't worry about me. i'll be fine. as always.

/pointless post.

exactly 3 months ago, i was one of the happiest human being on Earth.

8 days later, all i wanted to do was to lie down on my bed and trace the lines of the pictures on my bed sheet.

today, i still feel the same. i still want to lie down and do nothing, and pretend the world stops, but knowing that it's moving and time is passing. and feeling good about that because when i wake up, time would have passed and nothing hurt me. time would have passed and i stay the same. it's like walking into a time machine.

.. wat. i'm not even sure if that made sense. it's good, but it's not good. that's how i feel right now, i think.

and again, don't tell me i am strong. because if i was, i wouldn't be writing this. i wouldn't be wanting to lie down all the time. i wouldn't be writing this, knowing that people will read it, and the word will spread, and the one who caused me to be like this would find out.

hai, reader. i'm not sure what i feel. what to feel.

i love you.