that month was awful for me. everyday i put any type of wire around my neck and pulled hard. god it was awful. i didn’t feel anything, and i felt everything.
my sister, lily, confronted me one day. she woke me up and started asking me why i cut and stuff. in a way it was good. it left us awkward for a little while though. she told me that every night, when she prayed, she took a little more time to pray for me to get better. that made me cry so hard. eh.
then she had this major exam for the ACCA course she’s taking. one day she came home crying to mama, and i figured what it was about. she failed two of her papers. she’s never failed anything in her life. and idk. i didn’t talk to her or anything. i didn’t know. i figured it out myself but i wasn’t sure.
one day before going to school, in february, i went into my room, and there’s this blue folded paper on my bed, and on the front was written “Adik”. that’s what my family calls me - it’s a malay word for a younger sibling. it was lily’s handwriting.
mama drives me to school, so i decided to keep the paper until i get to school. as soon as i got to school, i read the note. i don’t remember the whole thing but i remember reading her telling me that she failed two papers because she was worried sick about me. she said she didn’t want to blame it on me, but just to let me know that she cares, A LOT. and she said that i’ve started to interact with my family again, which was great. and she wrote, “i don’t know how you feel about syah going away for boarding school, but it must have hurt really bad.” reading that, i cried a whole lot while walking to the assembly ground.
then my friend, Fee, saw me and she hugged me i think. she asked me what was wrong and i gave the paper for her to read. she understood.
mmmm. i had a dream a few nights ago which reminded me of the note lily left me. it’s with syah. the note. i included it in the book/diary i wrote for syah back in january - march. he once told me that he had torn the note to pieces and thrown it away. i’m not sure why he told me that. but i asked him again and he said he was lying. eh.
as soon as i get the book back, i’ll write the note down. idk, it’s just amazing. my sister lily askljdfklj god idk. she just makes me cry. nobody in the world would ever leave a note to me like that, not even my friends. and her being my sister who i never had serious conversations with, left me that note telling me she cares. it just.. idk.
blah. end.
btw, yes syah left for boarding school in february. go figure.
